Inner Peace

Call it hokum. Call it wishful thinking. Call it happenstance. Call it crazy: I have never believed in coincidence.

As of late my belief in fate, destiny, non-coincidence is stronger than ever before. In a nut-shell, we all have free-will and the opportunity to exercise it. Choice A might lead us in a completely different direction than choice B. However, within that freedom of choice, there is a larger design for life (as I know it)  – for the universe – and I, we, are small details in this amazing blueprint.

Over the last few months I’ve been determined to improve my spiritual health and relationship with God. Growing up I had an incredibly strong faith. I was in church every time the doors were open. As I got older and life happened, I fell out of the habit of going to church and nourishing my spiritual self. I need a relationship with God to feel mentally and emotionally healthy.

In my quest, I have created time – carved out time at the very least – to spend quietly and earnestly in prayer. I had forgotten how comforting it is to converse with God – to just open the flood gates in my head and heart and let it all pour out.

Because I love to read, I’ve also incorporated specifically spiritual books into my stack of must reads. I happened upon The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho a few weeks ago. It is a work of non-religious fiction, however, it is deeply spiritual in nature and, perhaps, one of the most uplifting reads I’ve encountered since I devoured Eat. Pray. Love last summer.

 Without spoiling the novel for anyone out there who might read it, I can sum up the essence of the story with one quote from the book: “God has prepared a path for everyone to follow. You just have to read the omens that he left for you.” The novel focuses on one character’s search for his personal legend or destiny – according to God – and how he finds the meaning of his life by following God’s signs along the way.

Three weeks ago, about the same time I found myself immersed in The Alchemist, my Mom told me she found a lump in her right breast accompanied by surface area dimpling of the skin – one key characteristic of a malignant mass. Cancer.

Biopsy confirmed her self-diagnosis. This Friday, she will have the 2.7cm mass removed via lumpectomy.

As is my nature, I’ve spent many hours analyzing my mom’s cancer hoping to derive meaning from this unexpected card we’ve been dealt in life’s most recent hand. The thoughts of not having as much time with my mom as I’d planned are devastating.

I cling to faith in my belief that everything – no matter how oppressively heartbreaking it might feel – happens for a reason.

At age 34, I had not planned on having a mammogram myself until I was 40. Now, however, I have a family history of breast cancer and am having my first mammogram this week.

Life can change in an instant, and over the last few weeks, life as I’ve known it has been turned upside down and inside out. Yet in spite of it all, I am at peace – a rarity for me. Each day is a brand new opportunity to enjoy the time I have with my Mom – to show her and tell her how much I love her – to create memories my children can spend a lifetime imagining and recounting.

Every moment is a gift and I have learned to embrace them and treasure them as such. I’ve learned to separate what matters in life from what is no big deal. I am less in a hurry and I find I have more patience with my children and myself. I am learning to let go of those things over which I have no control and to pray for serenity when I need it.

Cancer is a diagnosis no one ever wants to have.  Ironic how the introduction of this disease into my life - my mom’s life – has made me stronger – more faithful – more hopeful – more grateful than I have ever been.

“Usually the threat of death makes people a lot more aware of their lives.” The Alchemist

Indeed it does.