I opted not to make my mortgage payment this month. I called in to work and told my boss I had better things to do. Forget that there are only two plus weeks left of school and that my children would have earned perfect attendance – I let them stay home and eat ice-cream all day long without once brushing their teeth.
I am only writing my column this week because of the self-centered sense of local celebrity I feel knowing that – like me or hate me – some people in Pickens County read what I write. According to Harold Camping, this is the last column I will ever write for the Courier, not to mention in my lifetime. On Saturday, May21st, the world and life as I know it, will be coming to an end.
Camping, credited with spending tens of thousands of hours analyzing the Bible, has figured out God’s great mathematical equations which pinpoint the exact date of the end. Instead of wasting precious time on Facebook or Twitter, Camping has elected to spend his time wisely. When his 1994 doomsday prediction wasn’t realized, I’m certain he didn’t want to make any erroneous miscalculations the second time around.
In all fairness, however, it wasn’t completely Camping’s fault. Apparently “important subsequent biblical information was not yet known” in 1994. I must be so self-absorbed that I missed the news. Did God add some appendix or epilogue to the Good Book when I wasn’t looking? Maybe someone discovered a long lost letter from Matthew, Mark, Luke or John hidden in a secret pocket of Bin Laden’s robe?
Fear not friends, in the nineteen years since Camping’s 1994 prediction, “written biblical evidence has greatly solidified” leaving no question that May 21, 2011 is the day in which Jesus Christ will return. Rest assured that this date is not the product of the mind of one nut job or a group of them. It is the culmination of study of the entire Bible, both the Old and New Testaments, by a modern day prophet like Marshall Applewhite or Jim Jones.
Reading and studying anatomy textbooks in college qualified me to perform neurosurgery, didn’t it?
Many believers are jumping onto the doomsday RV caravan. Literally. There are End of the World RV caravans going cross country to warn people of impending doom. These folks have a lot of mileage to cover in a short period of time. Fortunately, the end of the world exempts them from pre-doomsday traffic rules.
One older gentleman in New York spent $140,000 – his entire retirement savings – on signs advertising the end of the world. Apparently the former NYC subway worker hasn’t been following the needs of the Pickens County School District. Every little bit of revenue helps, right?
Pet adoption programs, run by certified atheists who know they will be left behind during the May 21st Rapture, are springing up to help out those people who, while they love their family pets, will be too awe inspired ascending toward Jesus on a cloud, to worry about what happens to Spot or Fido. This is certainly a better alternative to going ahead and having their pets euthanized – a practice that some May 21 subscribers are already implementing.
As for me, my biggest point of contention is that I am not going to see who wins Celebrity Apprentice. Why did the finale have to be a two-parter? That Donald Trump is such a tease! And the Real Housewives of New Jersey started with such an explosive opener last night that it seems downright tragic to be unable to watch the senseless drama unfold over what I can imagine would be the most delicious Italian food I’ve ever eaten.
On the flip side, I will finally be able to find out answers to questions I’ve always wanted to know – like why is it that I can put 4 pairs of matching socks in the washer, but only 7 socks come out of the dryer? Who killed Jon Benet Ramsey? What are the secrets of the Masons? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, yet feel compelled to check when you say the paint is wet? If human beings evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Is that why Olivia’s squirrel committed suicide?
I hope you have enjoyed this column. It is the last one I will be writing, unless, of course, Harold Camping’s prediction turns out to be incorrect once again. In that case, anyone out there at Bank of America who’s reading this, my mortgage check is in the mail.
