Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down

I am so tired of the dark, dreary cold. Seriously. The grey seems to drain every ounce of energy from my body and spirit no matter what attempts I make to counter these feelings. I could easily curl up in fetal position and sob without ceasing.

Of course, I berate myself for feeling this way. Beat myself up and feel guilty. What on earth do I have to complain about?? I can list so many blessings in my life - endless things about which I should be happy. It isn't that I don't appreciate or love my girls, my family, my life ... that they don't bring me happiness. Ever. There are just days when the sadness is so oppressive and over-whelming. All I want it to feel good. To feel normal. Carefree. Yet these feelings seem so elusive to me - like they will forever be outside of my grasp. I hope this isn't true.

Budget Discussions Leave Me Perplexed

I have not posted in forever it seems, but I vow to explain why tomorrow. In the meantime, I cover the School District of Pickens County Board Meetings. I've found that I rather enjoy attending (especially when the debates get heated). Some of you might not apprecaite this post. For others, like my dear friends and educators Kim and Jason, this might hit home! In any event, here is my op-ed for the Courier this week.

Peter Parker (aka Spiderman) understands all too well the profundity of this statement: With great power comes great responsibility. I doubt that even Spiderman himself would want to have to weave his way through the budget nightmare in which the School District of Pickens County finds itself – yet again.

Past votes and decisions are just that – gone, done, yesterday - when all our troubles seemed so far away… The truth is we have big troubles right here and right now. I am not a numbers kind of girl, which is why I am a writer and not an accountant. Numbers to me are as elusive as the fountain of youth appears to be to Joan Rivers.

Still, I am intelligent enough to comprehend that a $5 million budget deficit is tantamount to being up the old proverbial creek without a paddle.

The logical answer seems to be to save money and generate revenue however humanly and legally possible. Mr. Saitta has said on several occasions that every dime adds up. Again, I’m not a numbers kinda guy but I can understand that when I have one dime I have 10 cents and when I have ten dimes I have a dollar. Fairly easy to understand, right?

This, however, is where I get confused. Dan Troutman, a regular speaker at board meetings, suggested that because our state does not mandate that board members receive a salary, and that 31 other districts throughout the state don’t pay their board members, it might be appropriate for the board to give their combined earnings of $18,000 per year back to our classrooms and children.

If we are to believe that every dime adds up, it would seem that 180,000 dimes could certainly be utilized in some manner beneficial to even a few children in Pickens County. No?

At last night’s board meeting, there was an all too lengthy debate over what to do with the four year old teacher laptops that are being replaced. Initially the idea to sell them to interested teachers was floated out there – perhaps prematurely. The more research that went into data wiping costs (which is a legal requirement), the organizational nightmare of keeping track of payments and possible complaints, it became abundantly clear to Mr. Newman (AIT Director) that selling the laptops for parts would bring money back into the district – approximately $130,000 (or 1,300,000 dimes if anyone’s counting).

Both Mr. Trotter and Mr. Saitta argued that it wasn’t fair to make the offer to sell the laptops, only to rescind it once all the facts were in and the district could make more money selling parts than the laptops. Guess what? The students in Pickens County are missing out on educational opportunities in the fields of foreign language, music, art and reading.  That isn’t fair either.

And while I would not presume to speak for the collective teachers in our district, I feel certain that any individual would rather have a job – complete with a salary and insurance benefits – than a four year old lap top that is going to be replaced with a brand spankin’ new one anyway!

I mean no disrespect to the School Board Members. I do not envy the decisions they have to make, but here’s the thing – they do not have to make those decisions in a vacuum. As board chair, Alex Saitta has implemented committees systems so that the skill sets of the individual board members are matched with similar committee – i.e. it makes sense to have a teacher, not a financial genius, head up a curriculum committee. This is a fantastic idea founded on the logic of building on people’s strengths and talents. However, after last night’s meeting, I am, once again, perplexed.

Board members sat before a packed house of SDPC Principals – the men and women on the front line in our schools. These men and women spend countless hours talking with their support staff, teachers, parents and students. Their combined skill set is the knowledge of what goes on in their schools day in and day out. Yet one after another, school board members candidly stated that they would vote against budget balancing solutions offered up by the principals in our district.

Alex Saitta has said that “Voters elect their board members to represent them, and that means they (the board members) have to listen to their constituents.” Principals and teachers in the district are also voting constituents. Last night their voices rang loud and clear, but it did not seem like many board members were willing to listen.   

  

My Mug of Love Runneth Over

Menopausal Symptoms.
My doctor said I should keep a log.
Insomnia?
Insomnia.
Check. Moving on .....

Yesterday morning, my wonderfully thoughtful mother brought me a cup of coffee in bed. Post-op and Brian out in Portland, I am bunking with her. Sometimes, no matter how grown up a person might be - I still want and need my Mommy. And I thank God I have her!


I love coffee. I love my mother. I love sharing coffee in the morning with my mother. No one else in my house shares the same joyous experience produced by simply holding a warm cup of love in one's hands. Coffee has been a part of my morning routine since I was 15 or 16. Like cigarettes, coffee was "cool" and "adult." In my the-world-is-the-size-of-a-pea teenage logic, in some sense it was non-conformist and Kerouacian. My mom and I are the only ones in our house who drink coffee. Frankly, I don't understand people who are non-coffee drinkers. I am starting to wonder if they are really aliens from some sad coffee-less plant inhabiting the earth so they can figure out how to perfect some other-worldly super coffee bean. To just not like coffee - well that is just plain bizarre.


My love affair with coffee has grown ever more torrid over the years. In the beginning I tolerated coffee and hoped that it was merely an acquired taste. For years I would only drink it if each cup was wantonly sweet. After Brian's cousin, Karen [one of the most amazing, mother-earth, deeply soulful spirits of a woman I know] came to help take care of me and Ella (and our whole family, now that I think about it), I cannot drink anything less than industrial strength, high octane, it puts hair on your chest and curls the hairs you already have coffee. I prefer mine with approximately two teaspoons of creamer. MMmmmm....creamy warm mug of love!


So, yesterday I woke up to the gift of coffee in bed and listening to my Mom trying to rouse the dynamic duo and get them dressed for school. Once I can get upright and catch my breath (Yes. It still hurts like hell to get out of bed), I wander in there to help out as much as I can. Dressed and ready to go, Em and Gma head downstairs for breakfast, and I am upstairs with wardrobe crisis Ella. After several attempts, she pulls on the perfect shirt for a February, but it is going to be warm later, Tuesday in Kindergarten.


Much to her dismay, I can't carry her downstairs. I remind her that Mommy just had surgery on and in her tummy. Doctor says I can't carry anything for a while - not even my favorite little monkey girl Ella. With her blanket over one shoulder and my mug of love in hand, we head down the stairs. Ever the inquisitive child, Ella wants to understand why I can carry some things and not others. I think it is so cool to watch the wheels turning in there as she categorizes things by weight and mass - heaviness and lightness - all that super neat science stuff that my husband reminds me I could have paid attention to while I was in school.


Ella points out that I have a cup of coffee in my hand. Smart ass that I am, I playfully tell her that Mommy's doctors know how much I love coffee and that I have to drink it in the morning, so I have special permission to carry it around as long as I don't pick a too heavy cup. I don't know that she totally gets my humor, but Ella certainly understands - to borrow a term of endearment from Junie B. Jones - that her Mommy is a nutball.


Fast Forward to 6pm yesterday evening .....


Emerson wanted to make her own cup of chocolate milk. Sometime in the process of making the chocolate milk and hugging Daddy Allen, the cat coffee cup (thankfully not one of my favorites) crashed onto the tile floor cascading chocolate, milk and cermaic cats everywhere. Tears dried (there is no sense crying over spilt milk after all) and mess cleaned, life as I know it goes on. About five minutes later, Ella starts dragging a chair across the kitchen floor so she can reach something in the cabinet.


"Can I help you?" I ask. "What do you need?"
"A cup," she answers.
"Are you thirsty?" I ask. "Do you want Mommy to get you something to drink before you climb up the cabinet like a monkey and fall and crack your head open?"
"I need a cup," she implores. "I need to make something."
"How about one of these cups?" You can't see me, but I am pointing to a disposable, plastic Solo cup on the counter.
"No. I need a mug kind of cup." I can feel her impatience with my questions.
Gma enters stage left and assesses the situation. Ella whispers something in my Mom's ear that makes her say "We've got it under control."
I walk back over to the kitchen table where I had been looking over the girls' daily school work and filling out forms for them to order some books - autographed by the local author - at school. Ella and Gma depart the kitchen, hang a left into the craft room - where I can hear them scratching around like little mice - and then they head back into the family room. Those two are up to something. Again. 


My suspicions are confirmed when I walk into the family room and Ella dives on top of the covert operation she has set up on the rug by the coffee table. I assure her that I am not looking and prove my point by sitting down at the computer and looking up the SDPC website. Em and Ella have racked up considerable milk balances at the cafeteria and we are starting to get those recorded messages that threaten broken knee caps if the $2.50 balance is not satisfied.


Finally, Ella announces that I can close my eyes because she has a surprise for me. I follow her directions and sit, eyes closed, eager with anticipation.
"Open your eyes Mommy," says Ella, beaming with a huge smile and those big brown eyes of hers. "I made you a special mug since your cat one got broken."


And she had.

Gma had helped her find one of the plastic mugs she and Em use to drink their morning milk. Using glue dots out of the craft room, she adorned the bottom with a band of irridescent pink ribbon and multi-colored buttons (Ella loves buttons and will glue them on practically anything that stands still). On one side of the cup she glue a paper heart cut of pink cardstock all by herself and decorated with red heart stickers left over from the valentines she and Em took into their classmates. On the other side of the cup, Ella glued on individual flower petals from a white rose that had been in an arrangement Nyda brought me while I was in the hospital. "This rose was looking kind of woggily," Ella explained. "So I recycled it Mommy."

"Ella.....it's beautiful!" I said. "I love it! Thank you, Ella B. You are such a sweet pea girl."

"It's a love mug Mommy," she said. "Because you love coffee and I love you and your cat cup got broken."

"I love you too, Ella B." And I pursed my lips and she squated down and gave me a kiss. "I will drink my coffee in it tomorrow."

As I sit here this morning, writing, I am enjoying a delightfully creamy, warm cup of coffee love, in my mug of love, crafted, by Ella, with love, for her Mommy who loves her and her sister so very, very much! I am thankful that in my life, as I know it, my mug of love runneth over. 

 

A Letter for My Daughters

Last Friday I underwent my 7^th, and, I pray, last abdominal surgery since Emerson Marie was delivered via emergency cesarean section in 2003. Every surgery has increased the possibility for complications, and in anticipation of the looming procedure, I couldn’t help but consider my own mortality. It’s not that I was afraid of surgery or dying. The scary part for me – should something terrible have happened – is missing the opportunity to watch my two little girls grow and blossom into adulthood.

I do a lot of writing in my head, so in between prayers, I composed chunks of letters I would want my daughters to have as they continue to grow – things I would want them to remember – to teach them – words of wisdom and encouragement from their Mom (in the event they didn’t have me there in person to deliver them). 

Obviously I am thankful to have made it – mostly unscathed – through the surgery, but we never really know what is going to happen one day to the next. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to go ahead and put pen to paper. Now that most of the anesthetic haze has worn off, I’ve tried to piece together my musings into a letter for my daughters.

Dear Em and Ella,

As your mom, all I have ever wanted for you both is an abundance of health, happiness and prosperity. The journey through life can be difficult to navigate, but each day is a new adventure and that – in and of itself – is a mighty reward. I know you will make mistakes along the way. There will be times when you feel sad and lonely – when you get down in the dumps and feel like everything is impossible. This happens to everyone. Mistakes are opportunities to learn from experience. The key is that you apply what you have learned so that you aren’t doomed to repeat the same mistakes time and time again.

The key to a happy, healthy life is faith in God first and foremost. I faced many challenges in my life, and I believe that without the grace of God, I would have never made it through. Putting your trust in God does not mean your life will always be easy, or that things will always work out the way you plan. However, faith makes those difficult times easier to endure when you remember that God will never give you any more than you are capable of handling. And if you can remember that God has a grand design and plan, He will lead you where you need to be. You have to be willing to take direction and follow His spiritual guidance.

You are perfect and special just because you are you. All I expect of you is to always try your best – to put forth 100% effort in everything you do – and be the best Emerson and Eleanor you know how to be. No one is perfect, and that is OK. Being imperfect is what makes you human. I think you are both extraordinary little girls. I am so very proud of who you are and who you are becoming. Continue to be who you are and you will be just fine.

What I admire so much about each of you is your strength. You come from a long line of strong women. It is in your nature. You are also strong willed and stubborn. These qualities will serve you well, but you have to balance them with willingness to compromise. Things cannot go your way all the time. Sometimes you have to give a little, and that is OK. The one thing I never want you to give up, however, is your sense of self. Don’t ever abandon your beliefs to gain acceptance of others. True friends will love you for who you are, and they will not ask you to compromise those ideals you hold dear.

Both of your Dads and I have always placed a tremendous amount of value in education. Don’t ever give up on school. And when it comes time to go to college, find a school that is going to offer you everything you want and need to be the best at whatever you choose to do. Study hard. Read voraciously. Take any and every class that interests you. Follow your passion. You are going to spend at least eight hours a day at work, so pick a career path that you love – that excites you – that has meaning and makes you feel like you are contributing to the world around you. Time spent on learning is never wasted, and when you finish school, your education does not have to end. Life offers tons of opportunities to learn something new. Take advantage of these opportunities when they present themselves.

Success is something you will have to define for yourselves. Some people think being successful is tied into making a lot of money, living in a huge house, driving an expensive car or tacking a prestigious title to the end of their names. None of those things ever mattered to me. Earning enough money to pay my bills and to be able to indulge in a few luxuries from time to time made me happy. Having a job that enabled me to help other people made me feel successful. 

Grandma always used to tell me that it is nice to be important, but it is more important to be nice. I couldn’t agree more! I always loved people. Every one of us has a unique story, and I enjoyed hearing people’s stories. It is so important to treat people with kindness and respect. You never know where someone is in their life journey, and you don’t always know what their prior experiences have been. You cannot judge people because you haven’t lived their lives and it just isn’t nice. Show compassion to others – help others who may not have had the blessings or fortunes you have been gifted. Cheer for the under-dog. Advocate for those who don’t seem to have a voice. Stand up for the little guy. Treat other people the way you want to be treated. I firmly believe that what goes around comes around.

Give with no expectation of getting in return. It is possible to be kind and compassionate without being a door mat. Be wary of people who take advantage of your kindness because those people do exist. But don’t be so wary that you are closed off. Remember that you cannot change anyone and trying to do so will result in heartache and madness. People are people. People have to want to change themselves. You can always help people who want to make changes in their lives, but they are going to have to do the “hard work” if the change is going to be lasting and meaningful.

Sometimes change stinks, but it is inevitable. Daddy used to tell me to relax and be the river. I’m afraid I was never very good at either. I over think things, but I don’t believe there is anything wrong with thinking things through and then knowing when it is time to put the issue to bed. It is easier to go with the flow than it is to always swim against the current. Don’t choose the easy path down the river just because it is easy. When you believe in something or someone and you think that person or ideal is worth fighting for – those are the times when you give it all your might and paddle as hard as you can against the current. There are times when you are going to have to do this, but life shouldn’t be like this all the time.

I was an only child growing up, and I have always had a small family. Always remember how blessed you are to have one another as sisters. Don’t allow anything to become a barrier to your relationship with one another. Watching you two together is one of the greatest joys of my life – the way you defend one another – wrestle – dance – laugh – sing – you put the biggest smiles on my faces. Even when you fight or don’t get along – I can tell how deeply you love one another sheerly from the amount of passion you invest in your arguments. No family is perfect, but family is important.

Friends are the family we choose for ourselves. Your Dad and I have been very lucky in the friend department. We do not have a huge group of friends, but we have a handful of amazing, irreplaceable friends – people who have been there through thick and thin – people for whom we’ve returned the favor – but between the lot of us, I don’t think we have ever kept score. That, my sweet peas, is what true friendship is all about.

 When you are older, and you meet that special someone, never be afraid to love with all your heart. I’ve never had a very easy time with romantic relationships for too many reasons to get into. Love doesn’t happen in real life like it does in movies, but real love is amazing and awesome and something we all deserve to experience. You know you’ve met the one when you have the flu and he still thinks your beautiful because he sees all your inner (as well as outer) beauty; he will be your best friend, your cheerleader, your encourager, your supporter, and, most importantly, he will tell you the truth when you need to hear it. He will be gentle and faithful; compassionate and caring; self-less and a great listener; and you will be happy when you are with him. Hold out for Mr. Right. Don’t settle for Mr. Right Now.

I want you girls to travel and see the world. Read tons of books. Listen to music. Dance. Indulge your passions. Give to those people who might not have been as fortunate as you. Pray. Listen. Go to the theater. Drugs and alcohol can and will ruin your life – and anyone who tells you otherwise isn’t a good friend. If a man ever hits you, leave immediately. This behavior does not warrant a second chance and will not get better.

Life is a precious gift, so make the most of it every day. Time is the most valuable gift you can ever give anyone. You have to love yourselves before you can love other people. Make time to put your toes in the ocean, sit by a camp-fire under the stars and splash in the puddles on a rainy day. Even if you don’t heed any of the advice I’ve offered in this note, always remember this every day that I got to be your Mommy was priceless. You girls are the most amazing blessings in my life. You are beautiful, inside and out, talented, smart, funny and you two can do anything you put your minds to; don’t let anyone ever tell you anything different. I am so proud of the young ladies you are becoming, and I have no doubt that I will be proud of the young women you become. Em, you will always be my snuggle bug and Ella B., you will always be my little bit. I will love you forever and ever and always, to the moon and back again, and nothing in this world will ever change that.

Big hugs and kisses and lots and lots of love,

Mommy