Lacking Foundation

I imagine most people are fairly conventional when it comes to relationships.
Two people meet and begin dating. They take ample time to get to know one another, to develop trust, emotional intimacy, strong communication processes. Maybe they also develop a physical intimacy built, again, on trust and communication. They share their individual needs and wants and begin to dream of a future together making those hopes and desires a reality.

At some point, they decide they want to get married, so they get engaged. The engagement process is typically proportional in time measurement to the months and (or) years leading up to the engagement. The couple gets married and settles into life together. Maybe they start a family. They evolve as a unit built on a foundation of unconditional love and acceptance. Mutual respect and appreciation.

I’m certain it will come as no surprise to my regular readers that I see love from a slightly unorthodox perspective, which is to say that the romantic in me believes in love at first sight and soul mates. The notion that God, in all of his infinite wisdom, has divinely created perfect matches that he unites when the timing is correct.

Recently I reread my copy of Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist (an AMAZING book if you’ve never read it). In hindsight, I believe that I was drawn to the novel at the perfect time last year. My Mom had recently been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, and my world felt like it was crumbling around me. Looking back, it was also around this time that my marriage was slowly unraveling, stitch by stitch.

The book offered me a renewed spiritual peace from which I was able to cope with the massive changes taking place in my life at that time. It made me feel grounded and it gave me hope for the future.

As I read back through it, the following passage caught my attention: “At that moment, it seemed to him that time stood still, and the Soul of the World surged within him …. he learned the most important part of the language that all the world spoke – the language that everyone on earth was capable of understanding in their heart. It was love. Something older than humanity, more ancient than the desert. Something that exerted the same force whenever two pairs of eyes met, as had theirs here at the well. She smiled, and that was certainly an omen – the omen he had been awaiting, without even knowing he was, for all his life.”

“It was the pure Language of the World. It required no explanation, just as the universe needs none as it travels through endless time. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only woman in his life, and that, with no need for words, she recognized the same thing. He was more certain of it than of anything in the world. He had been told by his parents and grandparents that he must fall in love and really know a person before becoming committed. But maybe people who felt that way had never learned the universal language. Because when you know that language, it’s easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it’s in the middle of the desert or in some great city. And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one’s dreams would have no meaning.”

I find myself exploring this possibility because – without even being consciously aware of it – I have ascribed to this philosophy my entire life. I’ve said it before, and I will say it again: I believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that everything – good or bad – just or unjust – happens for a reason.
Everything we experience in our lives – the challenges, the triumphs, the failures, the setbacks, the joy and sorrow, pain and heartache – all of these things mould and shape us into the people we are supposed to be. Following the Biblical analogy where God is the potter and we are the clay – being ever shaped into the most perfect form of ourselves at the exact moment in our lives when it is imperative. There was a time when I thought my hopelessly romantic nature was silly. Childish. My perspective, however, has shifted. I believe in the divinity of soul mates because I believe that God’s love is limitless.

The biggest problem in my marriages has been that I have lacked God as a foundation. Ever the control freak, I wanted to be in charge of every detail rather than giving it up to God and allowing Him to take the reins. I lacked faith, instead allowing myself to be consumed by fear and uncertainty.

I am saying good-bye to fear as the guiding force in my life, and replacing it with Faith, Hope and the knowledge that, with God, nothing is impossible.

It Had to Be You

For some reason I’ve had Frank Sinatra crooning in my head: “It had to be you. It had to be you. I wandered around, and finally the found the somebody who could make me be true, make me be blue, and even be glad, just to be sad thinking of you.”

Let me tell you, Sinatra is a light-year leap ahead from the days when it was Barney’s “I love you. You love me” insidiously snaking its way throughout my cranium ALL DAY LONG! But I digress…..

Coupled with Sinatra are snapshots and film reels from none other than “When Harry Met Sally,” one of my all-time favorite sitting home alone on New Year’s Eve dreaming about meeting the love of my life movies.

Taking center stage in my mind is Harry, running through the darkened streets of NYC on New Year’s Eve, racing to Sally before the stroke of midnight, to tell her that he loves her and that when “you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to begin as quickly as possible.”

Being a hopeless romantic, someone who loves love and the notion of soul mates, star-crossed lovers predestined by God or (and) the Universe to find one another, after undergoing the trials and tribulations that shaped them into the perfect match for their other half, when they least expect it … my way of thinking certainly has its drawbacks – to the average onlooker.

I have been married twice. And it would seem as though I am about to be divorced twice. The funny thing is, had I never legalized and legitimized these relationships, they would simply be relationship break-ups, which does not carry the same albatross like weight of two failed marriages.

Ultimately, I suppose, it all comes down to perception.

A dear friend of mine, who has been married three times, put it this way: obviously we BELIEVE in love and the institution of marriage. Otherwise, we wouldn’t keep trying to get it right, would we?

Proffering this analogy, my friend went on to pose the following fodder for thought: imagine you are getting ready to board a plane to -- here I am taking the liberty of inserting – Paris. There are two planes on the runway. One of those planes, after logging hundreds of hours and thousands of miles in the sky, has never had any problems requiring tinkering or fixing. The other plane has had a few mechanical issues; however, it has been recently serviced, gone over with a fine toothed comb by a team of seasoned mechanics, ensuring that it is in tip-top shape and ready to climb the skies.

The question is, which plane are you going to board to embark on your journey? The plane that is seemingly perfect or the plane that has had a few kinks has been worked on to be the best and safest plane for travel?

Nothing is ever as perfect as it might seem based on outward appearances alone, right? By this logic, I suppose I would rather take the plane that has had problems but worked them out – as opposed to a plane that, never having displayed any problems prior to the flight, might implode mid-air.

Too often I beat myself up for all of my imperfections and human flaws. Perhaps I have made some impulsive, unwise choices. My intentions, however, were always in the right place. I got married because I believe in the institution, because I believe in love and romance and the possibility of happily ever after.

Rather than blame myself for being a failure, I choose to believe that my marriage(s) did not work because I married the wrong people – not bad men – just men who do not share the same ideals and beliefs about love and marriage as me.

While I may be a hopeless romantic, I also understand that there is a realistic side to marriage. Loving someone is easy. Staying married for 50 years – that takes work. But that work has to come in a combined effort.

I used to love to watch the Crew teams practice out on Biscayne Bay in Miami. Those men and women had to work in unison; they had to going in the same direction to propel their water craft to victory. When one team member gets tired, the other one puts in a little more effort to compensate. Then they trade off. The effort might not always be 50-50 at the time, but over the long haul, it balances out harmoniously.

This is what I want – a partnership. I love LOVE and the idea of romance and happily ever after and I believe it is possible. I want a partner who is willing to put forth the same effort as I am – who will go the distance and finish the 26.2 mile marathon no matter how daunting the task.

Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love. I have faith and hope that my love is out there somewhere. Who knows, he might even be reading this right now. 

Why She Stays

A “friend” posted this article from the Billings Gazette on her Facebook page:

A man was accused Friday of kidnapping a woman and holding her in her home — including making her stay in a crawl space — for several days while repeatedly and severely beating her.

Matthew Ryan Bertagnolli, 31, appeared from the county jail in Yellowstone County Justice Court on felony charges of aggravated assault, three of partner or family member assault and one each of aggravated kidnapping and intimidation.

According to the affidavit a woman, identified in the documents only as Jane Doe, came into an apartment on the 3500 block of Granger Avenue saying she needed to call for help. When officers arrived, they noticed she had two black eyes, a severely swollen face and bruises and burns on her body.

She told officers that she and Bertagnolli had been dating since March and that on July 11 he accused her of cheating on him. He allegedly hit her numerous times until she left, the documents say. The woman returned to her home two days later and found Bertagnolli waiting there. He ordered her inside and assaulted her until she passed out from the pain, the affidavit states.

Through that day and into July 14, Bertagnolli "began a systematic torture of her with repeated beatings in different parts of the house," according to the charging documents. The woman told investigators that at different points, he beat her, urinated on her, threatened to kill her, possibly burned her with a cigarette, told her to give him money and said "you're going to suffer through this pain ... go lay down" when she tried to take Ibuprofen, according to the court documents.

The affidavit goes on to say that Bertagnolli forced the woman to hide in a crawl space several times when her mother came.

The woman told investigators that she ran to a neighbor's house on Thursday when Bertagnolli let her out of the crawl space and decided to take a shower. Court documents say her injuries include a broken nose, fractured orbital bone, burns and bruising and swelling.

Officers arrested Bertagnolli at the home on Granger on Thursday evening. He remains in custody at the Yellowstone County Detention Facility and is scheduled to appear in District Court on Thursday.

Perhaps more heinous than the atrocities this woman suffered were some of the comments posted by Billings, MT readers.

One individual named ‘small town football’ made this comment online: “Well how stupid was this woman? There had to be red flags before this all happened. Unless she was constantly chained or tied up she could have tried to get away sooner."

My immediate response to this person is not publishable in the paper until I remind myself that ignorance must be bliss and you just can’t argue with stupid!

After all I would only imagine that ‘small town football’ is more concerned with pigskins and touchdowns than volunteering to work with the local domestic violence shelter.

I would have to guess that if this individual spent any time with domestic violence victims, he or she would understand that women who stay in abusive relationships do not do so out of stupidity. The real stupidity is in thinking that the reason a victim might stay in a relationship wrought with domestic violence is simply black and white.

Perhaps ‘small town football’ has never considered that maybe she stays because she has children and he has threatened to take those children away from her; as horrible as it might be to stay, she can at least protect her children from his abuse – sacrificing herself to his rage.

Maybe over the months and years of his manipulative isolation she no longer feels like she has support from her family and friends. No one to call. No safety net into which she can fall.
Maybe all of the degrading, belittling and emotional abusive whacks at her self-esteem have completed chipped away at what flimsy self efficacy ever existed until she believes that she cannot ‘make it’ without him.

Maybe she beats herself up for being stupid, worthless, unlovable – the negative self talk making her depressed – sadness leads to guilt – more emotional turmoil – a vicious and toxic cycle so closely mimicking the relationship that has been fodder fueling the fire of herself degradation.

Maybe her only option, if she leaves, is to find a job that doesn’t pay above minimum wage. She might not have any education beyond high-school. If she works full-time, she will make enough money to afford daycare for her children because if she works full-time hovers at the poverty line, she will have too much income to qualify for ABC vouchers or social service programs.

Maybe she grew up in an abusive home – and however twisted or warped it might seem from an outsider’s prospective – abuse is a normal part of everyday life. It is what it is.

There are so many reasons why she stays, but I doubt small town football would have the complex and critical thinking abilities to understand those reasons. It must be incredibly convenient to walk through life heaping blame on everyone else and never accepting responsibility for the part one plays in creating a society where we blame victims instead of offering them the unconditional help and support they need to make better life choices.

My FB friend who posted that article was in a relationship with the accused Bertagnolli. She has a daughter. Thankfully she made it out of that relationship alive. And there are many reasons she stayed as long as she did, but stupidity isn’t one of them.

Inner Peace

Call it hokum. Call it wishful thinking. Call it happenstance. Call it crazy: I have never believed in coincidence.

As of late my belief in fate, destiny, non-coincidence is stronger than ever before. In a nut-shell, we all have free-will and the opportunity to exercise it. Choice A might lead us in a completely different direction than choice B. However, within that freedom of choice, there is a larger design for life (as I know it)  – for the universe – and I, we, are small details in this amazing blueprint.

Over the last few months I’ve been determined to improve my spiritual health and relationship with God. Growing up I had an incredibly strong faith. I was in church every time the doors were open. As I got older and life happened, I fell out of the habit of going to church and nourishing my spiritual self. I need a relationship with God to feel mentally and emotionally healthy.

In my quest, I have created time – carved out time at the very least – to spend quietly and earnestly in prayer. I had forgotten how comforting it is to converse with God – to just open the flood gates in my head and heart and let it all pour out.

Because I love to read, I’ve also incorporated specifically spiritual books into my stack of must reads. I happened upon The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho a few weeks ago. It is a work of non-religious fiction, however, it is deeply spiritual in nature and, perhaps, one of the most uplifting reads I’ve encountered since I devoured Eat. Pray. Love last summer.

 Without spoiling the novel for anyone out there who might read it, I can sum up the essence of the story with one quote from the book: “God has prepared a path for everyone to follow. You just have to read the omens that he left for you.” The novel focuses on one character’s search for his personal legend or destiny – according to God – and how he finds the meaning of his life by following God’s signs along the way.

Three weeks ago, about the same time I found myself immersed in The Alchemist, my Mom told me she found a lump in her right breast accompanied by surface area dimpling of the skin – one key characteristic of a malignant mass. Cancer.

Biopsy confirmed her self-diagnosis. This Friday, she will have the 2.7cm mass removed via lumpectomy.

As is my nature, I’ve spent many hours analyzing my mom’s cancer hoping to derive meaning from this unexpected card we’ve been dealt in life’s most recent hand. The thoughts of not having as much time with my mom as I’d planned are devastating.

I cling to faith in my belief that everything – no matter how oppressively heartbreaking it might feel – happens for a reason.

At age 34, I had not planned on having a mammogram myself until I was 40. Now, however, I have a family history of breast cancer and am having my first mammogram this week.

Life can change in an instant, and over the last few weeks, life as I’ve known it has been turned upside down and inside out. Yet in spite of it all, I am at peace – a rarity for me. Each day is a brand new opportunity to enjoy the time I have with my Mom – to show her and tell her how much I love her – to create memories my children can spend a lifetime imagining and recounting.

Every moment is a gift and I have learned to embrace them and treasure them as such. I’ve learned to separate what matters in life from what is no big deal. I am less in a hurry and I find I have more patience with my children and myself. I am learning to let go of those things over which I have no control and to pray for serenity when I need it.

Cancer is a diagnosis no one ever wants to have.  Ironic how the introduction of this disease into my life - my mom’s life – has made me stronger – more faithful – more hopeful – more grateful than I have ever been.

“Usually the threat of death makes people a lot more aware of their lives.” The Alchemist

Indeed it does.