Why She Stays

A “friend” posted this article from the Billings Gazette on her Facebook page:

A man was accused Friday of kidnapping a woman and holding her in her home — including making her stay in a crawl space — for several days while repeatedly and severely beating her.

Matthew Ryan Bertagnolli, 31, appeared from the county jail in Yellowstone County Justice Court on felony charges of aggravated assault, three of partner or family member assault and one each of aggravated kidnapping and intimidation.

According to the affidavit a woman, identified in the documents only as Jane Doe, came into an apartment on the 3500 block of Granger Avenue saying she needed to call for help. When officers arrived, they noticed she had two black eyes, a severely swollen face and bruises and burns on her body.

She told officers that she and Bertagnolli had been dating since March and that on July 11 he accused her of cheating on him. He allegedly hit her numerous times until she left, the documents say. The woman returned to her home two days later and found Bertagnolli waiting there. He ordered her inside and assaulted her until she passed out from the pain, the affidavit states.

Through that day and into July 14, Bertagnolli "began a systematic torture of her with repeated beatings in different parts of the house," according to the charging documents. The woman told investigators that at different points, he beat her, urinated on her, threatened to kill her, possibly burned her with a cigarette, told her to give him money and said "you're going to suffer through this pain ... go lay down" when she tried to take Ibuprofen, according to the court documents.

The affidavit goes on to say that Bertagnolli forced the woman to hide in a crawl space several times when her mother came.

The woman told investigators that she ran to a neighbor's house on Thursday when Bertagnolli let her out of the crawl space and decided to take a shower. Court documents say her injuries include a broken nose, fractured orbital bone, burns and bruising and swelling.

Officers arrested Bertagnolli at the home on Granger on Thursday evening. He remains in custody at the Yellowstone County Detention Facility and is scheduled to appear in District Court on Thursday.

Perhaps more heinous than the atrocities this woman suffered were some of the comments posted by Billings, MT readers.

One individual named ‘small town football’ made this comment online: “Well how stupid was this woman? There had to be red flags before this all happened. Unless she was constantly chained or tied up she could have tried to get away sooner."

My immediate response to this person is not publishable in the paper until I remind myself that ignorance must be bliss and you just can’t argue with stupid!

After all I would only imagine that ‘small town football’ is more concerned with pigskins and touchdowns than volunteering to work with the local domestic violence shelter.

I would have to guess that if this individual spent any time with domestic violence victims, he or she would understand that women who stay in abusive relationships do not do so out of stupidity. The real stupidity is in thinking that the reason a victim might stay in a relationship wrought with domestic violence is simply black and white.

Perhaps ‘small town football’ has never considered that maybe she stays because she has children and he has threatened to take those children away from her; as horrible as it might be to stay, she can at least protect her children from his abuse – sacrificing herself to his rage.

Maybe over the months and years of his manipulative isolation she no longer feels like she has support from her family and friends. No one to call. No safety net into which she can fall.
Maybe all of the degrading, belittling and emotional abusive whacks at her self-esteem have completed chipped away at what flimsy self efficacy ever existed until she believes that she cannot ‘make it’ without him.

Maybe she beats herself up for being stupid, worthless, unlovable – the negative self talk making her depressed – sadness leads to guilt – more emotional turmoil – a vicious and toxic cycle so closely mimicking the relationship that has been fodder fueling the fire of herself degradation.

Maybe her only option, if she leaves, is to find a job that doesn’t pay above minimum wage. She might not have any education beyond high-school. If she works full-time, she will make enough money to afford daycare for her children because if she works full-time hovers at the poverty line, she will have too much income to qualify for ABC vouchers or social service programs.

Maybe she grew up in an abusive home – and however twisted or warped it might seem from an outsider’s prospective – abuse is a normal part of everyday life. It is what it is.

There are so many reasons why she stays, but I doubt small town football would have the complex and critical thinking abilities to understand those reasons. It must be incredibly convenient to walk through life heaping blame on everyone else and never accepting responsibility for the part one plays in creating a society where we blame victims instead of offering them the unconditional help and support they need to make better life choices.

My FB friend who posted that article was in a relationship with the accused Bertagnolli. She has a daughter. Thankfully she made it out of that relationship alive. And there are many reasons she stayed as long as she did, but stupidity isn’t one of them.

Budget Discussions Leave Me Perplexed

I have not posted in forever it seems, but I vow to explain why tomorrow. In the meantime, I cover the School District of Pickens County Board Meetings. I've found that I rather enjoy attending (especially when the debates get heated). Some of you might not apprecaite this post. For others, like my dear friends and educators Kim and Jason, this might hit home! In any event, here is my op-ed for the Courier this week.

Peter Parker (aka Spiderman) understands all too well the profundity of this statement: With great power comes great responsibility. I doubt that even Spiderman himself would want to have to weave his way through the budget nightmare in which the School District of Pickens County finds itself – yet again.

Past votes and decisions are just that – gone, done, yesterday - when all our troubles seemed so far away… The truth is we have big troubles right here and right now. I am not a numbers kind of girl, which is why I am a writer and not an accountant. Numbers to me are as elusive as the fountain of youth appears to be to Joan Rivers.

Still, I am intelligent enough to comprehend that a $5 million budget deficit is tantamount to being up the old proverbial creek without a paddle.

The logical answer seems to be to save money and generate revenue however humanly and legally possible. Mr. Saitta has said on several occasions that every dime adds up. Again, I’m not a numbers kinda guy but I can understand that when I have one dime I have 10 cents and when I have ten dimes I have a dollar. Fairly easy to understand, right?

This, however, is where I get confused. Dan Troutman, a regular speaker at board meetings, suggested that because our state does not mandate that board members receive a salary, and that 31 other districts throughout the state don’t pay their board members, it might be appropriate for the board to give their combined earnings of $18,000 per year back to our classrooms and children.

If we are to believe that every dime adds up, it would seem that 180,000 dimes could certainly be utilized in some manner beneficial to even a few children in Pickens County. No?

At last night’s board meeting, there was an all too lengthy debate over what to do with the four year old teacher laptops that are being replaced. Initially the idea to sell them to interested teachers was floated out there – perhaps prematurely. The more research that went into data wiping costs (which is a legal requirement), the organizational nightmare of keeping track of payments and possible complaints, it became abundantly clear to Mr. Newman (AIT Director) that selling the laptops for parts would bring money back into the district – approximately $130,000 (or 1,300,000 dimes if anyone’s counting).

Both Mr. Trotter and Mr. Saitta argued that it wasn’t fair to make the offer to sell the laptops, only to rescind it once all the facts were in and the district could make more money selling parts than the laptops. Guess what? The students in Pickens County are missing out on educational opportunities in the fields of foreign language, music, art and reading.  That isn’t fair either.

And while I would not presume to speak for the collective teachers in our district, I feel certain that any individual would rather have a job – complete with a salary and insurance benefits – than a four year old lap top that is going to be replaced with a brand spankin’ new one anyway!

I mean no disrespect to the School Board Members. I do not envy the decisions they have to make, but here’s the thing – they do not have to make those decisions in a vacuum. As board chair, Alex Saitta has implemented committees systems so that the skill sets of the individual board members are matched with similar committee – i.e. it makes sense to have a teacher, not a financial genius, head up a curriculum committee. This is a fantastic idea founded on the logic of building on people’s strengths and talents. However, after last night’s meeting, I am, once again, perplexed.

Board members sat before a packed house of SDPC Principals – the men and women on the front line in our schools. These men and women spend countless hours talking with their support staff, teachers, parents and students. Their combined skill set is the knowledge of what goes on in their schools day in and day out. Yet one after another, school board members candidly stated that they would vote against budget balancing solutions offered up by the principals in our district.

Alex Saitta has said that “Voters elect their board members to represent them, and that means they (the board members) have to listen to their constituents.” Principals and teachers in the district are also voting constituents. Last night their voices rang loud and clear, but it did not seem like many board members were willing to listen.   

  

A Letter for My Daughters

Last Friday I underwent my 7^th, and, I pray, last abdominal surgery since Emerson Marie was delivered via emergency cesarean section in 2003. Every surgery has increased the possibility for complications, and in anticipation of the looming procedure, I couldn’t help but consider my own mortality. It’s not that I was afraid of surgery or dying. The scary part for me – should something terrible have happened – is missing the opportunity to watch my two little girls grow and blossom into adulthood.

I do a lot of writing in my head, so in between prayers, I composed chunks of letters I would want my daughters to have as they continue to grow – things I would want them to remember – to teach them – words of wisdom and encouragement from their Mom (in the event they didn’t have me there in person to deliver them). 

Obviously I am thankful to have made it – mostly unscathed – through the surgery, but we never really know what is going to happen one day to the next. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to go ahead and put pen to paper. Now that most of the anesthetic haze has worn off, I’ve tried to piece together my musings into a letter for my daughters.

Dear Em and Ella,

As your mom, all I have ever wanted for you both is an abundance of health, happiness and prosperity. The journey through life can be difficult to navigate, but each day is a new adventure and that – in and of itself – is a mighty reward. I know you will make mistakes along the way. There will be times when you feel sad and lonely – when you get down in the dumps and feel like everything is impossible. This happens to everyone. Mistakes are opportunities to learn from experience. The key is that you apply what you have learned so that you aren’t doomed to repeat the same mistakes time and time again.

The key to a happy, healthy life is faith in God first and foremost. I faced many challenges in my life, and I believe that without the grace of God, I would have never made it through. Putting your trust in God does not mean your life will always be easy, or that things will always work out the way you plan. However, faith makes those difficult times easier to endure when you remember that God will never give you any more than you are capable of handling. And if you can remember that God has a grand design and plan, He will lead you where you need to be. You have to be willing to take direction and follow His spiritual guidance.

You are perfect and special just because you are you. All I expect of you is to always try your best – to put forth 100% effort in everything you do – and be the best Emerson and Eleanor you know how to be. No one is perfect, and that is OK. Being imperfect is what makes you human. I think you are both extraordinary little girls. I am so very proud of who you are and who you are becoming. Continue to be who you are and you will be just fine.

What I admire so much about each of you is your strength. You come from a long line of strong women. It is in your nature. You are also strong willed and stubborn. These qualities will serve you well, but you have to balance them with willingness to compromise. Things cannot go your way all the time. Sometimes you have to give a little, and that is OK. The one thing I never want you to give up, however, is your sense of self. Don’t ever abandon your beliefs to gain acceptance of others. True friends will love you for who you are, and they will not ask you to compromise those ideals you hold dear.

Both of your Dads and I have always placed a tremendous amount of value in education. Don’t ever give up on school. And when it comes time to go to college, find a school that is going to offer you everything you want and need to be the best at whatever you choose to do. Study hard. Read voraciously. Take any and every class that interests you. Follow your passion. You are going to spend at least eight hours a day at work, so pick a career path that you love – that excites you – that has meaning and makes you feel like you are contributing to the world around you. Time spent on learning is never wasted, and when you finish school, your education does not have to end. Life offers tons of opportunities to learn something new. Take advantage of these opportunities when they present themselves.

Success is something you will have to define for yourselves. Some people think being successful is tied into making a lot of money, living in a huge house, driving an expensive car or tacking a prestigious title to the end of their names. None of those things ever mattered to me. Earning enough money to pay my bills and to be able to indulge in a few luxuries from time to time made me happy. Having a job that enabled me to help other people made me feel successful. 

Grandma always used to tell me that it is nice to be important, but it is more important to be nice. I couldn’t agree more! I always loved people. Every one of us has a unique story, and I enjoyed hearing people’s stories. It is so important to treat people with kindness and respect. You never know where someone is in their life journey, and you don’t always know what their prior experiences have been. You cannot judge people because you haven’t lived their lives and it just isn’t nice. Show compassion to others – help others who may not have had the blessings or fortunes you have been gifted. Cheer for the under-dog. Advocate for those who don’t seem to have a voice. Stand up for the little guy. Treat other people the way you want to be treated. I firmly believe that what goes around comes around.

Give with no expectation of getting in return. It is possible to be kind and compassionate without being a door mat. Be wary of people who take advantage of your kindness because those people do exist. But don’t be so wary that you are closed off. Remember that you cannot change anyone and trying to do so will result in heartache and madness. People are people. People have to want to change themselves. You can always help people who want to make changes in their lives, but they are going to have to do the “hard work” if the change is going to be lasting and meaningful.

Sometimes change stinks, but it is inevitable. Daddy used to tell me to relax and be the river. I’m afraid I was never very good at either. I over think things, but I don’t believe there is anything wrong with thinking things through and then knowing when it is time to put the issue to bed. It is easier to go with the flow than it is to always swim against the current. Don’t choose the easy path down the river just because it is easy. When you believe in something or someone and you think that person or ideal is worth fighting for – those are the times when you give it all your might and paddle as hard as you can against the current. There are times when you are going to have to do this, but life shouldn’t be like this all the time.

I was an only child growing up, and I have always had a small family. Always remember how blessed you are to have one another as sisters. Don’t allow anything to become a barrier to your relationship with one another. Watching you two together is one of the greatest joys of my life – the way you defend one another – wrestle – dance – laugh – sing – you put the biggest smiles on my faces. Even when you fight or don’t get along – I can tell how deeply you love one another sheerly from the amount of passion you invest in your arguments. No family is perfect, but family is important.

Friends are the family we choose for ourselves. Your Dad and I have been very lucky in the friend department. We do not have a huge group of friends, but we have a handful of amazing, irreplaceable friends – people who have been there through thick and thin – people for whom we’ve returned the favor – but between the lot of us, I don’t think we have ever kept score. That, my sweet peas, is what true friendship is all about.

 When you are older, and you meet that special someone, never be afraid to love with all your heart. I’ve never had a very easy time with romantic relationships for too many reasons to get into. Love doesn’t happen in real life like it does in movies, but real love is amazing and awesome and something we all deserve to experience. You know you’ve met the one when you have the flu and he still thinks your beautiful because he sees all your inner (as well as outer) beauty; he will be your best friend, your cheerleader, your encourager, your supporter, and, most importantly, he will tell you the truth when you need to hear it. He will be gentle and faithful; compassionate and caring; self-less and a great listener; and you will be happy when you are with him. Hold out for Mr. Right. Don’t settle for Mr. Right Now.

I want you girls to travel and see the world. Read tons of books. Listen to music. Dance. Indulge your passions. Give to those people who might not have been as fortunate as you. Pray. Listen. Go to the theater. Drugs and alcohol can and will ruin your life – and anyone who tells you otherwise isn’t a good friend. If a man ever hits you, leave immediately. This behavior does not warrant a second chance and will not get better.

Life is a precious gift, so make the most of it every day. Time is the most valuable gift you can ever give anyone. You have to love yourselves before you can love other people. Make time to put your toes in the ocean, sit by a camp-fire under the stars and splash in the puddles on a rainy day. Even if you don’t heed any of the advice I’ve offered in this note, always remember this every day that I got to be your Mommy was priceless. You girls are the most amazing blessings in my life. You are beautiful, inside and out, talented, smart, funny and you two can do anything you put your minds to; don’t let anyone ever tell you anything different. I am so proud of the young ladies you are becoming, and I have no doubt that I will be proud of the young women you become. Em, you will always be my snuggle bug and Ella B., you will always be my little bit. I will love you forever and ever and always, to the moon and back again, and nothing in this world will ever change that.

Big hugs and kisses and lots and lots of love,

Mommy

Half-Full

Half-Full. I’m Positive!

I love books, literature, stories and words. Jesus used parables to teach people about morality and virtue; literature is no different. Because I have always been passionate about reading and because I believe there is so much to be gained from immersion in books, I have tried to help my daughters cultivate a love for books.

Over the last few weeks we have been reading The Secret Garden before bedtime.  There are large portions of the novel that I have forgotten since the first time I read it. Reading it as an adult, capable of more analytical thinking, has made a beautiful story all the more amazing because of the virtues espoused on every page. It is ironic how changes I have been attempting in my own life coincide perfectly with the blossoming of the characters and the garden in this magical story.

I have been known to get into some major funks and about 99.9% of the time, they were all of my own creation. Yes, I’ve had some circumstantial stuff – beyond my control – that has contributed to me feeling blue, but those things were exacerbated by my pessimism.

About a month ago, during one of my bouts of melancholy, a very dear friend of mine pointed out the fact that I wasted a great deal of time and energy being negative. Me, negative? I always used to think of myself not as a pessimist, but as a realist. Those words, however, struck me with such force that I had an epiphany and knew it was time to make some changes in my thinking and my life.

After years of listening to my well-intentioned mother, badgering me to read The Power of Positive Thinking, I finally picked up the dusty paperback and read it. The funny thing is, as much as I adore books and believe in their ability to impact personal and social change, I did not believe that this particular book was going to change my life and I could not have been more mistaken.

Reading The Secret Garden with my girls is further driving the point home. If you’ve never read either of these books, I highly recommend the read – especially if you have a tendency toward negative thinking. The human mind is like a garden. It must be cared for and tended to or it will wither or be overrun with weeds. “Two things cannot be in one place. Where you tend a rose, a thistle cannot grow.”

I cannot begin to explain how amazing I feel as a result of simply making an effort to change the way I think. I used to tell people that being me was exhausting – and it was! I’ve also always said that I am a work in progress, and for the first time in a long time I can honestly say that I am enjoying the new ways I have decided to shape and mold my life. My friend, I cannot thank you enough for your candor.

Roses or thistles? The choice is yours. Pour yourself a half-full glass of optimism. It is positively refreshing!

Nancy Drew in Newberry

After hearing about the dragging of Anthony Hill that occurred in Newberry, I started to do some research. If you read my editorial last week, then you know that in my research I discovered that our state of South Carolina has no hate crime legislation.  However, whether or not Mr. Hill’s death was a hate crime, by the legal definition, is still up for debate.

With so many unanswered questions, I decided to go down to Newberry and find answers to the unknowns nagging at my soul. Having never visited Newberry before, my plan was to get a sense of the place, the people, the culture – I wanted to get a feeling about the community climate of Newberry. So I booked myself a room at the Hampton, packed my suitcase, gathered up my laptop and headed south on what I like to call my Nancy Drew adventure.

Prior to my trip, I contact Major Todd Johnson at the Newberry County Sheriff’s Office. If I was going to investigate this story, I wanted to read arrest warrants and incident reports.  Major Johnson was kind enough to share these documents with me, but more than that, he was willing to meet with me in Newberry so I could conduct my own face-to-face interview. Because I border on OCD as a researcher, I read countless articles about the dragging, the New Black Panther Party rallies in Newberry, and explanations of hate crime legislation. I couldn’t have been more prepared for my trip or less prepared for the fact that I ended up coming home with more questions than answers.

After spending my first morning wandering in and out of the quaint little shops that comprise Downtown Newberry, I readied myself for my afternoon appointment with Major Johnson. I drove out to the sheriff’s office with mind-racing and my handy-dandy notebook containing all the carefully written out the questions I wanted to ask. Nancy Drew, investigative reporter, ready to tackle the case.

Major Johnson met me in the reception are with a warm smile and a firm handshake (something my mother taught me to look for and a gesture I sincerely appreciate). Keep in mind that there must have been some apprehension on his part. Ever since Hill’s body was discovered and Collins was arrested and jailed for the murder, normalcy in Newberry has been largely disrupted by a slew of television news crews and journalists thirsty for bloody details, FBI agents called in to assist in the investigation, the New Black Panther Party inciting immediate and riotous justice (if necessary), the ACLU, the NAACP – all people, like me, like so many, who need to understand what happened.

Of course, any time one member of a community is dragged for 11 miles, behind a truck, by another member living in the same community, how can life in that community ever be normal again? Perhaps the better question is should life return to “normal” if an event such as this occurred in the course of “normal” everyday life?   

This is how my conversation with Major Johnson began. I was curious to know what life was like in Newberry after the murder and dragging of Anthony Hill – specifically race relations. Johnson confirmed my suspicions: race relations are not great. But not merely for the obvious reasons I had added up in my mind. My inquiries into the murder of Hill and the arrest of Collins morphed into more profound, philosophical questions that expand beyond the borders of Newberry County.

Fear, ignorance, suspicion, paranoia and, ultimately, hatred, have existed between racial groups since the beginning of mankind. The atrocities committed by one group of humans against another group of humans, based solely on race, ethnicity, culture, gender or religion saturated history in the South, across America and throughout the world. Racism is a global problem. Perhaps it is more insidious in the 21^st Century South than it was blatant prior to and for some time after the Civil Rights movement, however, be it subtle or obvious, racism is alive and well every day in every nation.

It would seem, as Major Johnson and I continued our conversation, that poor race relations have continued to smolder, much like a camp fire, and recent political and economic changes have been fodder causing the fire to, once again, erupt into flames.

Johnson and I did not discuss politics. My keen observations, attendance at various local government meetings, coupled with the fact that I do not live in a cave, tells me that many people are not too happy about the fact that we have a Democratic President. Moreover, Obama is not just a democrat; he is a black man, the first African American, to ever take up residence in a historically WHITE House. On the surface the acrid battle is between elephants and donkeys, but my gut tells me that what it all boils down to is that many people are angry (and I don’t use this word lightly) that there is a “colored man” in the presidential office running our country – making powerful decisions – and for the first time in our nation’s history, there is a black man telling a lot of white men what they can and cannot do.

On a local level, consider this – at present there are no African Americans sitting on Pickens County Council, Liberty City Council, Clemson City Council, Central City Council or the School Board of Pickens County. Only one African American man holds a council seat in the city of Easley. What does this say about issue of race in Pickens County?

Add to this an economy in the proverbial toilet, and the racism fire rages. Everyone has suffered from our economic crisis. Unemployment rates have been horrendous and people are struggling to find jobs so they can support their families, pay their bills, and not end up living in a cardboard box on the street. The frantic competition for jobs that appear few and far between has created tension so thick that, forget the knife, we need a chainsaw to cut through it.

When there aren’t jobs to be had, people become desperate and look for any option possible. Crime rates escalate.  Major Johnson told me that there have been several shootings in Newberry, just in the last month or so, that are quite the exception for this area. There have also been changes in South Carolina legislation, he told me, like nothing he has seen in his 20 plus years in law enforcement. Criminal statutes have changed so drastically that people who commit crimes are going to be able to do so with very little consequence.

Why? It costs money to house people in jails. State budget cuts have impacted law enforcement like they have affected the schools. If there isn’t money to house criminals in jail, what is the alternative? Construct a system with lesser penalties for the crimes committed, and, Voilà! kids – Crime Pays! Crime rates are typically higher among minority groups, but this can be traced to other issues like poverty or discrepancies in educational opportunities.  Crime is not about color.

Certainly I could go on and on, but I am only allotted so much space per paper. Rest assured that this is a subject I will continue to research and write about because it is so overwhelmingly important. I would be interested to know what our readers out there think, and I welcome emails, letters and the like. The thing is, racism, race relations, discrimination – these are all topics about which people tends to develop an ostrich mentality. If we bury our heads in the sand and pretend the problem does not exist, it just grows stronger and more powerful like a wildfire left to rage out of control.

I would like to offer a special thanks to Major Todd Johnson down in Newberry. The short amount of time I was able to spend with him made me realize that, however unspeakably heinous the dragging of Anthony Hill was, and as much hate has to exist in order for this to have happened, it is going to be very difficult to prove that this was, by legal definitions, a hate crime. Because race cannot be ignored in this case at some level, this is a prime opportunity for communities to start talking about a problem that continues to plague us no matter how much “progress” we have made.  Above all else, Major Johnson reminded me that the problem of race is not, ironically, a black and white issue. Cocooning the heart of the problem, wherein I also believe lies the solution, is a labyrinth of grey that must be navigated with open minds and open hearts.