It's the End of the World as We Know It .... And I feel fine!

I opted not to make my mortgage payment this month. I called in to work and told my boss I had better things to do. Forget that there are only two plus weeks left of school and that my children would have earned perfect attendance – I let them stay home and eat ice-cream all day long without once brushing their teeth.

I am only writing my column this week because of the self-centered sense of local celebrity I feel knowing that – like me or hate me – some people in Pickens County read what I write. According to Harold Camping, this is the last column I will ever write for the Courier, not to mention in my lifetime. On Saturday, May21st, the world and life as I know it, will be coming to an end.

Camping, credited with spending tens of thousands of hours analyzing the Bible, has figured out God’s great mathematical equations which pinpoint the exact date of the end. Instead of wasting precious time on Facebook or Twitter, Camping has elected to spend his time wisely. When his 1994 doomsday prediction wasn’t realized, I’m certain he didn’t want to make any erroneous miscalculations the second time around. 

In all fairness, however, it wasn’t completely Camping’s fault. Apparently “important subsequent biblical information was not yet known” in 1994. I must be so self-absorbed that I missed the news. Did God add some appendix or epilogue to the Good Book when I wasn’t looking? Maybe someone discovered a long lost letter from Matthew, Mark, Luke or John hidden in a secret pocket of Bin Laden’s robe?

Fear not friends, in the nineteen years since Camping’s 1994 prediction, “written biblical evidence has greatly solidified” leaving no question that May 21, 2011 is the day in which Jesus Christ will return. Rest assured that this date is not the product of the mind of one nut job or a group of them. It is the culmination of study of the entire Bible, both the Old and New Testaments, by a modern day prophet like Marshall Applewhite or Jim Jones.

Reading and studying anatomy textbooks in college qualified me to perform neurosurgery, didn’t it?

Many believers are jumping onto the doomsday RV caravan. Literally. There are End of the World RV caravans going cross country to warn people of impending doom. These folks have a lot of mileage to cover in a short period of time. Fortunately, the end of the world exempts them from pre-doomsday traffic rules.

 One older gentleman in New York spent $140,000 – his entire retirement savings – on signs advertising the end of the world. Apparently the former NYC subway worker hasn’t been following the needs of the Pickens County School District. Every little bit of revenue helps, right?

Pet adoption programs, run by certified atheists who know they will be left behind during the May 21^st Rapture, are springing up to help out those people who, while they love their family pets, will be too awe inspired ascending toward Jesus on a cloud, to worry about what happens to Spot or Fido. This is certainly a better alternative to going ahead and having their pets euthanized – a practice that some May 21 subscribers are already implementing.

As for me, my biggest point of contention is that I am not going to see who wins Celebrity Apprentice. Why did the finale have to be a two-parter? That Donald Trump is such a tease! And the Real Housewives of New Jersey started with such an explosive opener last night that it seems downright tragic to be unable to watch the senseless drama unfold over what I can imagine would be the most delicious Italian food I’ve ever eaten.

On the flip side, I will finally be able to find out answers to questions I’ve always wanted to know – like why is it that I can put 4 pairs of matching socks in the washer, but only 7 socks come out of the dryer? Who killed Jon Benet Ramsey? What are the secrets of the Masons?  Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, yet feel compelled to check when you say the paint is wet? If human beings evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Is that why Olivia’s squirrel committed suicide?

I hope you have enjoyed this column. It is the last one I will be writing, unless, of course, Harold Camping’s prediction turns out to be incorrect once again. In that case, anyone out there at Bank of America who’s reading this, my mortgage check is in the mail.

While you are sitting comfortably, reading this week’s edition of the Courier, I will be somewhere in the midst of a nine or ten hour car ride home from Walt Disney World listening to my children asking, for the hundredth time, “are we there yet?”

Whether or not Disney is the happiest place on earth certainly depends on who you’re asking. I have amazing childhood memories of traveling to Disney with my family and friends. Living in Miami, Disney was a regular vacation destination (Florida residents do get a discount after all). I also went many times as a young teen – mostly with my church youth group.

As a high school senior, I visited Disney as part of Grad Night. All Florida high school seniors had the opportunity to stay up all night and roam around the park with their classmates and with limited chaperoning.  Could there be anything more exciting for a 17 year old?

My last visit to Disney was in celebration of my honey moon with my now ex-husband. We came in October (there must not have been a Clemson game), and, seasonally speaking, it was probably one of the best times to visit.

When Brian and I decided we were going to travel to Disney for Em and Ella’s spring break, elated cannot being to describe how I felt about the adventure. Memories from my childhood rushed into my head – the exhilaration of Space Mountain, the magic of It’s a Small World, the thrill of Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, the wonder of visiting countries from all over the globe, Figment and that gianormous golf-ball looking object parked right in the epicenter of Epcot.

I’m not quite sure if it is my perfectionism, or if it is a simple case of “things change,” but Disney did not quite live up to my childhood memories or expectations. Don’t get me wrong – being on vacation with my family is fantastic. Having the opportunity to bring the girls to Disney feels amazing. But after only three days here, I am ready for a vacation from my vacation!

The older I become, the less I appreciate crowds. While I love the cultural diversity by which I find myself surrounded, I could make due with a few thousand less people. Trying to snake through the throngs of people, everyone with his or her own destination agenda in mind, holding on to sweaty hands attached to children whining about how hot it is or asking how much longer they are going to have to wait – well, it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Most of the rides I love were terrifying to my children. More than once we stood in a 40 minute line only to exit at the 11^th hour when we should have hopped into the next available amusement vehicle or bypassed amusements altogether.

This trip has made me wonder what the Disney experience was like for my parents. Were they as exhausted at the end of each day as I have been? Or were they able to relax and go with the flow? As a parent, Disney has been a completely different experience for me – one quite different from my childhood.

From the maddening crowds of people, to the patience testing wait times, I wonder how much of the discrepancy between my memories and my current experience exists completely in my mind? I’m certain there are thousands of Disney goers who would say that I am a curmudgeon. Maybe they’re right.     

Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down

I am so tired of the dark, dreary cold. Seriously. The grey seems to drain every ounce of energy from my body and spirit no matter what attempts I make to counter these feelings. I could easily curl up in fetal position and sob without ceasing.

Of course, I berate myself for feeling this way. Beat myself up and feel guilty. What on earth do I have to complain about?? I can list so many blessings in my life - endless things about which I should be happy. It isn't that I don't appreciate or love my girls, my family, my life ... that they don't bring me happiness. Ever. There are just days when the sadness is so oppressive and over-whelming. All I want it to feel good. To feel normal. Carefree. Yet these feelings seem so elusive to me - like they will forever be outside of my grasp. I hope this isn't true.

Budget Discussions Leave Me Perplexed

I have not posted in forever it seems, but I vow to explain why tomorrow. In the meantime, I cover the School District of Pickens County Board Meetings. I've found that I rather enjoy attending (especially when the debates get heated). Some of you might not apprecaite this post. For others, like my dear friends and educators Kim and Jason, this might hit home! In any event, here is my op-ed for the Courier this week.

Peter Parker (aka Spiderman) understands all too well the profundity of this statement: With great power comes great responsibility. I doubt that even Spiderman himself would want to have to weave his way through the budget nightmare in which the School District of Pickens County finds itself – yet again.

Past votes and decisions are just that – gone, done, yesterday - when all our troubles seemed so far away… The truth is we have big troubles right here and right now. I am not a numbers kind of girl, which is why I am a writer and not an accountant. Numbers to me are as elusive as the fountain of youth appears to be to Joan Rivers.

Still, I am intelligent enough to comprehend that a $5 million budget deficit is tantamount to being up the old proverbial creek without a paddle.

The logical answer seems to be to save money and generate revenue however humanly and legally possible. Mr. Saitta has said on several occasions that every dime adds up. Again, I’m not a numbers kinda guy but I can understand that when I have one dime I have 10 cents and when I have ten dimes I have a dollar. Fairly easy to understand, right?

This, however, is where I get confused. Dan Troutman, a regular speaker at board meetings, suggested that because our state does not mandate that board members receive a salary, and that 31 other districts throughout the state don’t pay their board members, it might be appropriate for the board to give their combined earnings of $18,000 per year back to our classrooms and children.

If we are to believe that every dime adds up, it would seem that 180,000 dimes could certainly be utilized in some manner beneficial to even a few children in Pickens County. No?

At last night’s board meeting, there was an all too lengthy debate over what to do with the four year old teacher laptops that are being replaced. Initially the idea to sell them to interested teachers was floated out there – perhaps prematurely. The more research that went into data wiping costs (which is a legal requirement), the organizational nightmare of keeping track of payments and possible complaints, it became abundantly clear to Mr. Newman (AIT Director) that selling the laptops for parts would bring money back into the district – approximately $130,000 (or 1,300,000 dimes if anyone’s counting).

Both Mr. Trotter and Mr. Saitta argued that it wasn’t fair to make the offer to sell the laptops, only to rescind it once all the facts were in and the district could make more money selling parts than the laptops. Guess what? The students in Pickens County are missing out on educational opportunities in the fields of foreign language, music, art and reading.  That isn’t fair either.

And while I would not presume to speak for the collective teachers in our district, I feel certain that any individual would rather have a job – complete with a salary and insurance benefits – than a four year old lap top that is going to be replaced with a brand spankin’ new one anyway!

I mean no disrespect to the School Board Members. I do not envy the decisions they have to make, but here’s the thing – they do not have to make those decisions in a vacuum. As board chair, Alex Saitta has implemented committees systems so that the skill sets of the individual board members are matched with similar committee – i.e. it makes sense to have a teacher, not a financial genius, head up a curriculum committee. This is a fantastic idea founded on the logic of building on people’s strengths and talents. However, after last night’s meeting, I am, once again, perplexed.

Board members sat before a packed house of SDPC Principals – the men and women on the front line in our schools. These men and women spend countless hours talking with their support staff, teachers, parents and students. Their combined skill set is the knowledge of what goes on in their schools day in and day out. Yet one after another, school board members candidly stated that they would vote against budget balancing solutions offered up by the principals in our district.

Alex Saitta has said that “Voters elect their board members to represent them, and that means they (the board members) have to listen to their constituents.” Principals and teachers in the district are also voting constituents. Last night their voices rang loud and clear, but it did not seem like many board members were willing to listen.