A Letter for My Daughters

Last Friday I underwent my 7^th, and, I pray, last abdominal surgery since Emerson Marie was delivered via emergency cesarean section in 2003. Every surgery has increased the possibility for complications, and in anticipation of the looming procedure, I couldn’t help but consider my own mortality. It’s not that I was afraid of surgery or dying. The scary part for me – should something terrible have happened – is missing the opportunity to watch my two little girls grow and blossom into adulthood.

I do a lot of writing in my head, so in between prayers, I composed chunks of letters I would want my daughters to have as they continue to grow – things I would want them to remember – to teach them – words of wisdom and encouragement from their Mom (in the event they didn’t have me there in person to deliver them). 

Obviously I am thankful to have made it – mostly unscathed – through the surgery, but we never really know what is going to happen one day to the next. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to go ahead and put pen to paper. Now that most of the anesthetic haze has worn off, I’ve tried to piece together my musings into a letter for my daughters.

Dear Em and Ella,

As your mom, all I have ever wanted for you both is an abundance of health, happiness and prosperity. The journey through life can be difficult to navigate, but each day is a new adventure and that – in and of itself – is a mighty reward. I know you will make mistakes along the way. There will be times when you feel sad and lonely – when you get down in the dumps and feel like everything is impossible. This happens to everyone. Mistakes are opportunities to learn from experience. The key is that you apply what you have learned so that you aren’t doomed to repeat the same mistakes time and time again.

The key to a happy, healthy life is faith in God first and foremost. I faced many challenges in my life, and I believe that without the grace of God, I would have never made it through. Putting your trust in God does not mean your life will always be easy, or that things will always work out the way you plan. However, faith makes those difficult times easier to endure when you remember that God will never give you any more than you are capable of handling. And if you can remember that God has a grand design and plan, He will lead you where you need to be. You have to be willing to take direction and follow His spiritual guidance.

You are perfect and special just because you are you. All I expect of you is to always try your best – to put forth 100% effort in everything you do – and be the best Emerson and Eleanor you know how to be. No one is perfect, and that is OK. Being imperfect is what makes you human. I think you are both extraordinary little girls. I am so very proud of who you are and who you are becoming. Continue to be who you are and you will be just fine.

What I admire so much about each of you is your strength. You come from a long line of strong women. It is in your nature. You are also strong willed and stubborn. These qualities will serve you well, but you have to balance them with willingness to compromise. Things cannot go your way all the time. Sometimes you have to give a little, and that is OK. The one thing I never want you to give up, however, is your sense of self. Don’t ever abandon your beliefs to gain acceptance of others. True friends will love you for who you are, and they will not ask you to compromise those ideals you hold dear.

Both of your Dads and I have always placed a tremendous amount of value in education. Don’t ever give up on school. And when it comes time to go to college, find a school that is going to offer you everything you want and need to be the best at whatever you choose to do. Study hard. Read voraciously. Take any and every class that interests you. Follow your passion. You are going to spend at least eight hours a day at work, so pick a career path that you love – that excites you – that has meaning and makes you feel like you are contributing to the world around you. Time spent on learning is never wasted, and when you finish school, your education does not have to end. Life offers tons of opportunities to learn something new. Take advantage of these opportunities when they present themselves.

Success is something you will have to define for yourselves. Some people think being successful is tied into making a lot of money, living in a huge house, driving an expensive car or tacking a prestigious title to the end of their names. None of those things ever mattered to me. Earning enough money to pay my bills and to be able to indulge in a few luxuries from time to time made me happy. Having a job that enabled me to help other people made me feel successful. 

Grandma always used to tell me that it is nice to be important, but it is more important to be nice. I couldn’t agree more! I always loved people. Every one of us has a unique story, and I enjoyed hearing people’s stories. It is so important to treat people with kindness and respect. You never know where someone is in their life journey, and you don’t always know what their prior experiences have been. You cannot judge people because you haven’t lived their lives and it just isn’t nice. Show compassion to others – help others who may not have had the blessings or fortunes you have been gifted. Cheer for the under-dog. Advocate for those who don’t seem to have a voice. Stand up for the little guy. Treat other people the way you want to be treated. I firmly believe that what goes around comes around.

Give with no expectation of getting in return. It is possible to be kind and compassionate without being a door mat. Be wary of people who take advantage of your kindness because those people do exist. But don’t be so wary that you are closed off. Remember that you cannot change anyone and trying to do so will result in heartache and madness. People are people. People have to want to change themselves. You can always help people who want to make changes in their lives, but they are going to have to do the “hard work” if the change is going to be lasting and meaningful.

Sometimes change stinks, but it is inevitable. Daddy used to tell me to relax and be the river. I’m afraid I was never very good at either. I over think things, but I don’t believe there is anything wrong with thinking things through and then knowing when it is time to put the issue to bed. It is easier to go with the flow than it is to always swim against the current. Don’t choose the easy path down the river just because it is easy. When you believe in something or someone and you think that person or ideal is worth fighting for – those are the times when you give it all your might and paddle as hard as you can against the current. There are times when you are going to have to do this, but life shouldn’t be like this all the time.

I was an only child growing up, and I have always had a small family. Always remember how blessed you are to have one another as sisters. Don’t allow anything to become a barrier to your relationship with one another. Watching you two together is one of the greatest joys of my life – the way you defend one another – wrestle – dance – laugh – sing – you put the biggest smiles on my faces. Even when you fight or don’t get along – I can tell how deeply you love one another sheerly from the amount of passion you invest in your arguments. No family is perfect, but family is important.

Friends are the family we choose for ourselves. Your Dad and I have been very lucky in the friend department. We do not have a huge group of friends, but we have a handful of amazing, irreplaceable friends – people who have been there through thick and thin – people for whom we’ve returned the favor – but between the lot of us, I don’t think we have ever kept score. That, my sweet peas, is what true friendship is all about.

 When you are older, and you meet that special someone, never be afraid to love with all your heart. I’ve never had a very easy time with romantic relationships for too many reasons to get into. Love doesn’t happen in real life like it does in movies, but real love is amazing and awesome and something we all deserve to experience. You know you’ve met the one when you have the flu and he still thinks your beautiful because he sees all your inner (as well as outer) beauty; he will be your best friend, your cheerleader, your encourager, your supporter, and, most importantly, he will tell you the truth when you need to hear it. He will be gentle and faithful; compassionate and caring; self-less and a great listener; and you will be happy when you are with him. Hold out for Mr. Right. Don’t settle for Mr. Right Now.

I want you girls to travel and see the world. Read tons of books. Listen to music. Dance. Indulge your passions. Give to those people who might not have been as fortunate as you. Pray. Listen. Go to the theater. Drugs and alcohol can and will ruin your life – and anyone who tells you otherwise isn’t a good friend. If a man ever hits you, leave immediately. This behavior does not warrant a second chance and will not get better.

Life is a precious gift, so make the most of it every day. Time is the most valuable gift you can ever give anyone. You have to love yourselves before you can love other people. Make time to put your toes in the ocean, sit by a camp-fire under the stars and splash in the puddles on a rainy day. Even if you don’t heed any of the advice I’ve offered in this note, always remember this every day that I got to be your Mommy was priceless. You girls are the most amazing blessings in my life. You are beautiful, inside and out, talented, smart, funny and you two can do anything you put your minds to; don’t let anyone ever tell you anything different. I am so proud of the young ladies you are becoming, and I have no doubt that I will be proud of the young women you become. Em, you will always be my snuggle bug and Ella B., you will always be my little bit. I will love you forever and ever and always, to the moon and back again, and nothing in this world will ever change that.

Big hugs and kisses and lots and lots of love,

Mommy

How do I Love Thee? Let Me Quote the Ways....

With Valentine's Day on the horizon, I complied a list of some of my favorite quotes about love and relationships. Hopefully one [or more] will sing to your soul as they have sung to mine. I have always had a very unrealistic-Hollywood-Big-Screen-esq ideal about love or the way love should be. While I think that my notions have been unrealistic, I am still a hopeless romantic and I still believe that love - in its many forms - is truly awesome and amazing. Love is powerful. Love is the catalyst for miracles. My perception of love remains idealistic to some - I'm sure - however, I think love is so amazing that it is worthy of idealizing. That said, read on and enjoy ..... 

“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” - Aristotle

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
- Lao Tzu

“My bounty is as boundless as the sea, My love as deep; the more I give to thee, The more I have, for both are infinite.” - William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

“Young love is a flame; very pretty, often very hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep-burning, unquenchable.” - Henry Ward Beecher

“Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age.” - Anais Nin

“Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward in the same direction.” - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

“Love has no desire but to fulfill itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires; To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully.” - Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” -Helen Keller

“Love does not dominate; it cultivates.” - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.” - Zora Neale Hurston

“Love is life. All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love. Everything is, everything exists, only because I love.” - Leo Tolstoy

“I have learned not to worry about love; but to honor its coming with all my heart.” - Alice Walker

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.”
- Pablo Neruda, "Love Sonnet XVII"

"In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities." -Janos Arnay

"I love you, not only for what you are, But for what I am when I am with you." -Roy Croft

"The only true gift is a portion of yourself." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

"It's so easy, To think about Love, To Talk about Love, To wish for Love, But it's not always easy, To recognize Love, Even when we hold it.... in our hands." -Jaka

"Two souls with but a single thought, two hearts that beat as one." -John Keats

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart." -Helen Keller

"There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved." -George Sand

"My heart is ever at your service." -William Shakespeare

"I am my beloved, and my beloved is me." -Song of Solomon

"To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven." -Karen Sunde

"Love is friendship set on fire." -Jeremy Taylor

Ella's Vagina Monologue

Let me preface this post by saying that I have taught Em and Ella the words "vagina" and "penis." These are parts of their anatomy like arms, legs, fingers and toes. Why not know the proper name for their genitalia? I've never dummed down anything else for them. Em and Ella are very intelligent little girls.

They are also little girls, so of course they find the word vagina hilarious. It is it's own joke ... punch-line and all. My best friend Ashley uses the word va-jay-jay, which I also happen to love and used in front of my girls one day. I think they love va-jay-jay even better than vagina. It is a fun word, after all....

The vagina is not a constant topic of conversation in our home, of course. But for effective communication, it just makes sense that Em or Ella is able to say "my vagina hurts" when they need to tell me something does not feel right. If one of them had an ear ache, they wouldn't say my "who-ha" hurts, right? 

This afternoon Ella was eating a bowl of cereal. She spilled the bowl full of milk and Lucky Charms all over the couch and her lap. I went upstairs to get her clean, dry panties and pants so she could change out of the wet ones. When I got back down stairs, Ella was sitting on the bench at the kitchen table. She had stripped out of her wet clothes, and she was perched, half naked, checking out her vagina.

I walked over with her clothes and helped her get on clean, dry panties and a pair of jeans. She was dressed and ready to move on to the next adventure. As I gathered up her wet clothing to put in the hamper, she says "Mommy, vaginas are kind of funny looking." I joined her on the bench and said, "yep. They are kind of funny looking aren't they." The conversation continued.

Ella: I think my vagina looks like a little mouth.
Me: I never thought about it, Ella, but I suppose it does look like a little mouth.
Ella: I think my vagina looks like it is smiling.
Me: If it is smiling, that must mean it's happy.
Ella: I love my little funny looking vagina.
Me: I'm glad you like your little funny looking vagina.

With that, Ella hopped off the bench and went running off to play with Em. I laughed to myself and thought Eve Ensler would be proud!

I think it’s a safe bet that most women, when confronted with a rain-drenched ex-husband crawling through their bedroom window, would march immediately to the nearest police station and begin the process of obtaining an Order of Protection. In my case, having my ex-husband climb through my bedroom window last Tuesday’s afternoon is, well, life as I know it.

To call my ex-husband, Allen, quirky is an understatement. Oddly enough, his quirkiness is, perhaps, one of his most endearing qualities. Allen and I met as grad students in the English program at Clemson. We were instant friends. The problem with our relationship, however, is that we were never more than friends no matter how much we might have tried to make the relationship romantic. It just didn’t quite work out.

In hindsight it is easy to say that we probably shouldn’t have gotten married, but I do not regret it because had we never been married, we would not have Emerson. Still, after only three years of marriage, I knew it was never going to work. I was unhappy, and I had the foresight to know that my unhappiness would negatively affect my daughter. Divorce seemed the healthiest course of action for all of us.

Our divorce was amicable and uncontested. There was no fighting over Emerson or money or property (there are some advantages to being a poor grad student when you get married). We kept the lines of communication open, and decided that whatever might happen, Emerson was always going to be priority numero uno.

Since our divorce, I have gotten remarried and had another daughter, Ella. Allen, in some ways, is still as much a part of my new life as he was when we were married. He did enter my house through my bedroom window without any criminal or legal repercussions after all. To most people, I’m sure this entire scenario seems bizarre, but in my life, this unorthodox relationship is par for the course.

Allen picks both Em and Ella up from school on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Last Tuesday he happened to forget his key, which is why he came in through the window. He also picks them up on Sundays and takes them to the house he shares with his parents in Williamston. Papa, Gram and Allen have treated Ella like she was theirs from day one. They have never made any emotional or biological distinction between them. The same is true in our home. My husband and I met just as Em turned one. He has helped raise her from infancy, and she has always called him Daddy.   

Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day – we celebrate these holidays together as one big, albeit unusual, family: Em, Ella, Daddy, Daddy Allen, Grandma (my mother) Papa and Gram and me. Today it seems that families come in all shapes and sizes, so perhaps we are less the exception than we are the norm. However one might choose to describe or define us, we are a family nonetheless.

In my mind, Em and Ella are truly the ones who benefit from the blending of our family. How can it be a bad thing to have more than two parents to love and care for them? Doesn’t the saying go “it takes a village to raise a child?” Despite being a child of divorce, Em has never been pulled in a tug-of-war between two angry parents, and Ella has never been treated like an “other” because her DNA is not the same as Allen’s or his parents.

Too often it is innocent children who are forced to cope with difficult issues because the adults in their lives cannot muster the maturity it takes to put aside their own hurts and petty differences. Children become paws in a tortuous chess game designed by adults “get back” at one another. Insult heaped upon injury.

While my family tree might have some oddly entwined braches, its roots are deeply planted in a foundation of love, respect and understanding. Of course there are times when we disagree, moments when we get on one another’s last good nerve, but when all is said and done, Em and Ella always come first – on this we agree 100%. We want them to be happy, healthy, well-developed children. Thus far, I think we are doing a great job!  

The fact that people raise their eyebrows every time my children announce that they have two daddies – that is just an endlessly amusing dollop of icing on the cake of life.